Written by: Dr. Frannie Koe, MD
Edited by: Breanne Brazeale
My dad was living independently until he fell about four years ago. Perhaps this story sounds familiar to you. So many families are dealing with their elderly parents now differently than they have in the past. Our parents handle their own lives differently than in previous generations. Our society has changed so much over the course of just a few decades.
My great grandmothers died at home. One lived until she was 104. My grandmothers both lived independently until they died, one at home and one had a very brief hospital stay for 12 hours. They were both living alone until the day they died.
My grandmothers also lived independently until their deaths. Both were able to drive. They paid their own bills and bought their own groceries. They were both approaching 90 when they died. There was no need to provide long term in-home care for my grandmothers. However, if they had needed extended care, they both would have gotten it. Neither my mother nor her sisters worked outside the home, so they all would have been able to care for their parents without the pressure of other responsibilities.
Now, many family members work away from home, so it is much more difficult to care for aging parents. In previous generations, families lived in a much closer geographic area than they do today, often under the same roof. Multigenerational families living together are not as commonplace today, which makes it much more difficult to share the care for aging relatives between family members.
My brother lives in Florida and my sister lives in California. I live here in Alabama. My dad was in Texas when he fell. He had remarried and was living near his second wife’s family. She had died the year before, and it was not their responsibility to see to my father’s care. We were unable to be there with him immediately. As his health improved, we had to help him decide where to move to in order to be near us. He now lives in Alabama, and I frequently provide care and support for my father.
I did not realize how much an aging parent would fight to remain independent. Often, they are unable to realize that they are failing. They rarely see that their brain is changing. They may feel normal, or the change may be so gradual, it is not something their brains can process. Sometimes, they have moments when they know something is not right. But most often they don’t see it. Some parents can become paranoid that you are trying to take over their lives. They will hide as much as they can from their kids to keep their independence. I am writing about this because I want folks to know that they are not alone in struggling to care for an aging loved one. Juggling distance and work-life balance while still trying to maintain a quality of life of an elderly parent is a constant challenge.
